Directed by Rod Amateau
Written by Linda Palmer and Rod Amateau
IMDB

A young teen is in love with a fashion designing thug.  He works at an antique shop that doesn’t sell anything and houses the Garbage Pail Kids.  He turns the shop into a sweatshop and has the Garbage Pail Kids making clothes for his crush.  In the last act, they tack on a place called The State Home for the Ugly, which is looking for the Garbage Pail Kids.  And they are from space, I guess.
One of the worst movies ever made.  Absolutely terrible in every way.  Unfunny, terrible puppets, bad acting, hard to follow, riddled with plot holes.  I understand that the Garbage Pail Kids are supposed to be gross, that's the whole point, but they shouldn't be scarier than the puppets in "Puppet Master."  The Garbage Pail Kid Ali Gator is particularly annoying, talking about wanting to eat toes nearly every time he is on screen, which is quite often.  


2/10

Directed by Anthony Burns
Written by Anthony Burns, Brandon Freeman and Heath Freeman
IMDB

Ritchie Wheeler (and his last name should give you an indication of just how terrible this film is) works at Skateland, a skating rink that is about to be closed down because the property is “worth more than the business.”  He interacts with his friends during the summer after their senior year of high school.
Just so fucking terrible.  I hated this god damned movie.  There is maybe three minutes total of rollerskating.  That is just ridiculous.  It is pure melodrama bullshit.  The characters are insipid.  Everything they do is boring, their conversations are ludicrous, and the point of the movie is non-existent.  Garbage.
A positive note: the film actually looks very nice and is well shot.  The acting is fine, although its hard for the actors to make the boring bullshit they have to spout seem anything but wooden.
This is PG-13, although a strong R would have been much more interesting.  It could have used some rough language and nudity.  This is supposed to be a “throwback” to 80s movies, but it lacks the sense of campy fun those movies had.  This movie is just boring, which is what happens when a movie tries to engage you emotionally but fails.  Fuck “Skateland.”


2/10

Directed by Damian Lee
Written by Damian Lee
IMDB

First of all, I watched this film with Rifftrax.  I would never have sat through this entire flick on its own merits.  It was awful.
I'm not 100% sure what this movie is about.  It was extremely difficult to give it too much attention at any given time.  Basically, this movie is "The Terminator" done really wrong.
This film was very bad. Do not watch it. If you absolutely have to see it, stick to the Rifftrax version. Jesse Ventura stars in this and Jim Belushi makes a cameo, so that should tell you something.

2/10

Directed by Walt Becker
Written by David Diamond and David Weissman
IMDB

John Travolta and Robin Williams star as two lifelong friends. They are BFFs and business partners (something to do with sports, I don't think they ever really explained it past that). The backdrop to this movie is them making a huge deal with the Japanese. Robin Williams finds out that he fathered a set of twins during a passionate night of lovemaking to his wife for one day, whom he met on a tropical island. His ex-wife has to go to jail for two weeks for breaking and entering or something. He has to take care of the kids.
I know what you're thinking, this sounds great, but is Bernie Mac in this and does he have a robot puppet suit that they use to force Robin Williams to dance? Yet, it does. It has so many bad parts that trying to locate a good part is like trying to find a needle in a haystack--or should it be trying to find hay in a needlestack?
This movie is going to be the topic of the next "How Did This Get Made?" podcast that Paul Scheer does for Earwolf.com. That is a fair question, though: how did this get made? It makes no sense. It is very bad, but it did make nearly $50 million. So what do I know?
Do not see this, unless you want to sit, mouth agape, staring at your TV or computer monitor, while in tremendous pain.

2/10

Directed by Floria Sigismondi
Written by Floria Sigismondi
IMDB

Kristin Stewart and Dakota Fanning "star" in this awful adaptation of the story of the rock band The Runaways. I would be surprised if any moment of this film was even slightly factual.
Stewart and Fanning are terrible. Kristin Stewart has as much personality as a mannequin--one of the half ones, not a full-sized mannequin.
The whole movie is made like a really bad music video and every scene is worse than the last. As the film trudges along it becomes a torture.
Nothing in this piece of shit movie makes sense, including Sherri's decision to quit the band in the middle of recording. Pure garbage in every way.

2/10

Directed by Roger Donaldson
Written by Heywood Gould
IMDB

After finishing up some military service, Tom Cruise wants to become a millionaire in the go-go 80s. He heads to Wallstreet and fails to land a job, until he walks into a bar. The Australian bartender hires him and they proceed to dance and make drinks. When they start making bets with eachother things go sour. Cruise quits the bar.
Tom Cruise heads to some tropical island to make drinks. Then his old friend shows up. They hang out for a little. Tom Cruise is dating Elizabeth Shue. His Australian friend bets him he can't land a rich old woman, he takes the bet and does. Elizabeth Shue sees him and leaves. He goes back to New York to try to reconcile with her, especially after he finds out she is pregnant. Then his friend kills himself and he gets the girl somehow. A very stupid movie.
This movie is terrible, with bad acting and a dreadful script where basically nothing happens. This is possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. I tried to think of something nice to say about it and all I could come up with is that the cameras were in focus the whole film. The music in this movie is bottom-of-the-barrel 80s pop rock.

2/10

Directed by Fred Dekker
Written by Fred Dekker and Frank Miller
IMDB

I live blogged my reactions to this movie on Twitter. Those tweets are below.

For the next hour and 40 minutes I will be tweeting exclusively about #robocop3

OCP still causin' trouble! #robocop3

The best thing about Robocop isn't that he's half cop, it's that he's half robot. #robocop3

"I'll buy that for a dollar." #robocop3

The parallels between the OCP and the Nazis is startling. #robocop3

ED-209 is loyal as a puppy. #robocop3

A female cop, now I've seen everything! #robocop3 #officerannelewis

So far I would say this movie is worse than any Police Academy movie I've ever seen. #robocop3

Robocop:Robocop 3::Batman Begins:Batman & Robin #robocop3

As crazy as it might sound, I think Robocop just converted to Christianity. #robocop3

"Dr. Lazarus." What an awful name. #robocop3

I wish this wasn't PG-15. This movie is boring! #robocop3

RIP #officerannelewis #robocop3

There's seriously an hour left on this. Good grief. #robocop3

I hope Rip Torn got a fat paycheck for this shit. #robocop3

Robocop 3 is a mixture of terrible acting and pathetic action sequences. #robocop3

Murphy is more badass than this. #robocop3

They should have called this movie Robocop and a Half. #robocop3

The Japanese evil Robocop (though more human looking) just cut a sign in half instead of killing a guy. #robocop3

Robocop going crazy with a blowtorch in the police headquarters. That's what I'm talking about! #robocop3

The terrorists were just deputized. Maybe we should try that with the Taliban. #robocop3

The Japanese evil ninja Robocop vs. Robocop in the ultimate showdown. I know who I'm rooting for! #robocop3

Horrible fight. So stupid. #robocop3

Robocop's jetpack is one of the worst movie moments. It's equal to the rape scenes in I Spit on Your Grave. #robocop3

Wow. That was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 2/10. #robocop3

2/10

Directed by Colin Strause & Greg Strause
Written by Shane Salerno
IMDB

Some people would have thought it a bad idea to hire the screenwriter for the Shaft remake to pen an Alien vs. Predator sequel. Others might be confused as to allowing the directors of a Nickleback video take the reigns on a potential blockbuster. 20th Century Fox thought this to be the perfect combination for a great hit film, but boy were they wrong.
The film starts with a bunch of Aliens and Predators on a spaceship, which crashes into a forest. A man and his son are hunting, but soon have Aliens on their faces. Then we barely see Aliens of Predators for an hour. In this hour we are put to sleep with various wooden characters doing the most cliche thing possible in every situation. We meet hot girl with douchebag boyfriend (plus his posse of 2), dorky guy who loves hot girl and the military bro of the dork. They do a bunch of boring shit that barely makes sense and some of them are killed by Aliens and Predators (both making a rare cameo). Then more boring shit happens and the movie is finally over.
In the two years that I have been reviewing movies on this blog, I would have to say this is one of the five worst movies I have watched. I can actually only think of one movie I hated more, Weekend Pass.
The first Alien vs. Predator movie was pretty fun. The humans in the story were caught in a shapeshifting pyrimid and were fighting Aliens and Predators. The humans in AvPR are in a wide opened, non-shapeshifting area. The fact that humans are in either movie pretty much shows you that they're missing the point.
The ending is truly awful. They blow up the town that was being attacked by Aliens and Pedators. Yeah, real exciting shit.

2/10

Directed by Rafael Portillo
Written by Alfredo Salazar
AKA: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
IMDB

Since I can't sum it up any better, here is the synopsis from IMDB:
"A mad doctor builds a robot in order to steal a valuable Aztec treasure from a tomb guarded by a centuries old living mummy".
Originally my girlfriend and I were going to watch this on our DVR, because I recorded it off of TCM. When I checked IMDB I learned there was an MST3K episode of it, and I have all of the episodes of MST3K. So we watched that version instead. As uninteresting as that story is, the movie is even worse.
It's somewhat hard to imagine a more boring movie with such an awesome title. The robot/mummy fight lasts about 15 seconds and is truly terrible. This movie is a disaster, and can be enjoyed only in that way. Otherwise, this is just a boring piece of shit.

2/10

Directed by Wes Craven
Written by Wes Craven
Trailer
IMDB

Shocker is the story of Horace Pinker, a psychopathic serial killer who murders entire families. He is also a TV repairman.
Pinker has a son, Jonathan, who dreams the murders after he runs into a goal post during football practice. Jonathan's foster father is a policeman, and John runs to tell him where they can find the murderer.
They catch Pinker after many casualties. They lock him in jail, where he (for some ungodly reason) hooks himself up to a TV and is electrocuting himself. Then they give him the electric chair, but instead of dying he gains the ability to leap from body-to-body possessing people.
He is out to get Jonathan. Jonathan has a necklace that for some reason can force Pinker out of people's bodies. They have an epic struggle that culminates in them fighting inside of TV programs.
If you have not seen this movie, then I just did you a favor by ruining everything for you. It is one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen. Just when you think the movie is at its dumbest, it turns the corner and it reveals to you another layer of ultra-dumbness.
Wes Craven made A Nightmare on Elm Street, one of the greatest horror films. He also made Shocker, one of the dumbest movies I've seen. If you check his filmography, you can see that Craven has his fair share of good movies, but you can also see that he's in pre-production on Scream 4. Yet, you cannot say that he's slipping in old age. You know why? Because he made fucking Shocker in 1989.

2/10

Directed by David Mitchell
Written by Jay Naples
Trailer
IMDB

Ski School 2 is a travesty. A travesty that features nudity. I knew going into it that it would be absolutely terrible, and I may have never even seen Ski School 1.
The plot: A girl is getting married to a total douchetard who is using her to take over a ski school (the titular one). Then there's this guy who is friends with Will Sasso (yep, the same one who was on Monday Nitro that one time) is in love with the girl that is marrying the asshole. Some bullshit happens. A girl paints nude on a snow hill. There's some dominatrix shit going on here and there. Yeah, it's pretty awful.
I'd recommend that you stay as far away from this movie as possible. I don't mind a bad movie. I mean, just look through the archives, there's the proof. I especially don't mind a bad movie with nudity, and there's some. This movie is so fucking awful, though. If you own a copy of this movie, send it to me and I will personally smash the living shit out of it with a hammer.
It's not the worst movie I've ever seen. I'm not even sure it's the worst skiing movie I've seen. It's just bad.

2/10

Directed by Steve Carver
Written by Michael Lanahan and David Oas
IMDB

Wretched movie about a tennis team who travels to Las Vegas (I think) in order to play in a tennis tournament. Most of the scenes seemed overly long and boring. One of the keywords on IMDB is "kicked in the crotch," and that's exactly what it felt like when I watched this piece of shit.
I'll generally watch any piece of shit movie to the finish, but Jocks was so boring that I found myself fast forwarding after watching it for an hour. Now, I'm no fan of tennis, but I enjoyed the movie Wimbeldon. Clearly I can enjoy a tennis movie, but not this one. No sex, and not many jokes. It's just a shit movie that isn't any fun to watch.

2/10

Directed by Michael A. Simpson
Written by Clark Brandon and Lanny Horn
IMDB

Two ugly unlikable losers talk an attractive girl into turning her gas station into a fast food restaurant. One of the unlikable losers, the "hero" of the story, if you will, is a mulleted womanizer and the other is an insignificant jerk with no personality. Clearly these are the guys you make a movie around. Also, Jim Varney is the villain.
Things go awry for the losers and the attractive girl who owns the restaurant when they start using a secret ingredient in their sauce that makes you horny. Yet, there is no nudity (unless I missed it).
The way the main characters interact, mostly the girl and the mulleted loser, makes no sense to me. They spend the whole movie being really mean to each other, yet they end up in love at the end. Pretty stupid, if you ask me. When Jim Varney is the best part of a movie you know you're watching some real shit indeed.

2/10