Directed by Patrick McBrearty
Written by Reese Eveneshen
IMDB

The Good:  This movie is ridiculous.  It’s shot on digital film and looks good, visually.
The Bad:  Almost everything else.  The acting is atrocious.  There is racism that is unnecessary (“Everybody knows asians can’t drive!”).  Everybody speaks with a very thick Canadian accent and deliver the lines very woodenly.  Trish Stratus is an attractive woman, but this movie manages to make her look odd in some moments and attractive in other.
The Ugly:  This movie is not quite so bad it’s good.  It’s just bad.  There is some entertainment value to it, of course, but I don’t think a normal person would enjoy it very much.

4/10

Directed by Bruce Robinson
Written by Bruce Robinson
IMDB

I found this film to be terrible, hard to follow, boring and vague.  On a positive note, Johnny Depp was good in the lead and the scenery was quite beautiful, and shot beautifully.
A journalist travels to Puerto Rico and gets a job writing horoscopes.  He gets wrapped up in a scheme.  Then some other shit happens, some of it involving a girl.  Then he and his friend take acid for no reason.  Then there’s a cock fight.
That’s the best I can do to piece together the plot.  It seemed like nothing was ever fully explained.  Even when they take acid, the scene opens with Johnny Depp dropping it into his friend’s eye.  No mention of what’s going on.  Very little ever seemed to be fully established.
I did not want to watch this movie, but my wife wanted to see it.  Maybe I can use this as an excuse not to let her pick a movie out for a while.


4/10

Directed by Motoyoshi Oda
Written by Shigeaki Hidaka, Shigeru Kayama and Takeo Murata
IMDB

Unfortunately, I watched the English dubbed version, which I have just found out is butchered and re-edited.   What I saw was fucking horrible.  It was hard to follow and they called Godzilla "Gigantis" the whole time.  What the fuck is that?  Really terrible.

4/10

Directed by Kenneth Branagh
Written by Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz and Don Payne
IMDB

Thor is not a comic book that I have ever read.  I have no interest in reading it.  After this movie, that interest level is at an all time low.  This film was bad.
What's a great way to introduce a super hero in their first film?  Have them not have their super powers for 75% of the movie.  Great idea!  Take what anybody likes about them and strip it away.  Then team them up with Natalie Portman.  Why not?
A boring waste of time.  I would never have seen this if it had not been for Rifftrax, but at least that added some entertainment to the affair.  Thor is just another bad comic book movie by Marvel.


4/10

Directed by Stephen Herek
Written by S.J. Roth
IMDB

Professional wrestler (or sports entertainer) HHH stars as Ray Bradstone, a man who has just been released from prison. His goal is to go straight and see his daughter. Unfortunately, she wants nothing to do with him. So, like all reasonable men, he agrees to be the chaperone for her field trip. Meanwhile, his old criminal buddies are chasing him because he has a bag of cash from a slightly botched bank robbery.
While, this has the makings of a fun/dumb family movie, its tone is way to somber. HHH does fine, as do the girl from Modern Family and Yeardly Smith (the voice of Lisa Simpson). The problem is either the director or editor. A lot of what could have been funny, even if just in an ironic way, falls pretty flat. Dumb movie, obviously, but not even very much fun.
I may have wrapped up the review already, but I would like to point your attention to the terribly photoshopped poster. Look at the money in HHH's pocket, then follow his shirt buttons from the bottom to the top.

4/10

Directed by Paul Flaherty
Written by Robert Conte and Peter Wortmann
IMDB\

Growing up, I was a huge fan of John Candy. I watched this film several times, along with other gems like Canadian Bacon, Uncle Buck and the under-rated Delirious. This is one of his worst films, yet I kept watching it repeatedly.
John Candy plays the bumbling, Clouseau-esque private eye, Harry Crumb. I hope that did not spoil the movie for you, as it answers the titular question. Harry Crumb is a "master of disguise." He is hired by the child molester Jeffrey Jones to solve a case.
There are a few laughs, although I am very embarrassed about it. This movie is very bad and anybody who likes it in 2011 should not be allowed to watch movies. It is okay to watch it, but it is not okay to like it.

4/10

Directed by Gary Graver
Written by Kim Read
IMDB

Bikini Traffic School is the tale of three Las Vegas strippers, one of which who inherits a traffic school. A group of gangsters also want the traffic school. It's a fight to the finish. Just kidding.
This movie is a simulate softcore fuckfest more than it is a movie. I didn't watch the entire movie, and normally I wouldn't review a film had I not seen it all, but I really feel like I got the grasp on this one. Three strippers move to LA and have awkward softcore sex.
This movie was so dumb, but there was definitely some bikinis and they did sort of run a traffic school so I suppose it delivered. It was also filled with cartoonish sound effects that mostly sounded while a lady was nude. If you're not a 13 year old straight boy or lesbian, I would probably skip it.

4/10

Directed by Lee Frost
Written by Lee Frost, Wes Bishop and James Gordon White
IMDB

A racist white doctor is furious when a black doctor is hired to his hospital. The doctor happens to be dying though, and is a master with the transplant. He has been secretly conductive transplanting the head of a gorrilla onto the body of another gorilla with a head-- making a two headed gorilla. What he wants to do is take his head and put it on another body.
His accomplices call around to prisons to get a person to donate their body to science. They find a donor, but it's not quite what the doctor had in mind. When he wakes up his head is on a black man's body. The donor is furious as he claims he was wrongfully imprisoned and this was his way to buy some more time. They go on the lam with the black doctor from earlier.
While the premise of the movie is amazing, the film falls very short. The opening drags on, when all you want to see is a black guy with two heads running around fucking people up. This basically never happens, although there is a 15 minute chase scene. I'd recommend that you just watch the trailer and call it a day.

4/10

Directed by Edward Bernds
Written by Elwood Ullman
IMDB

The Three Stooges (Moe, Larry and Curly-Joe) befriend a scientist who has developed a new way of making cartoons and can save their jobs of hosting their own cartoon. The scientist has also made a helicopter/submarine combo vehicle. Aliens somehow become aware of the invention and are chasing the Stooges, who get lost in the vehicle for about 20 minutes (if not longer) of this movie.
This movie is extremely bad. Joe DeRita is a poor substitution for Curly. Their trademark slapstick is almost non-existent. The aliens are horrible looking. Almost every joke falls flat. Not only do the Stooges do the twist, the aliens also do it. This movie should only be watched as your side (con) of a debate on whether the Three Stooges are funny.

4/10

Directed by Robert Zemeckis
Written by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avery
IMDB

This is the film version of the classic epic poem of the same name. Beowulf slays Grendel, only to unleash his mother, a dragon.
Okay, I have to admit that 1)I watched this with Rifftrax and 2)I didn't pay much attention to it. The movie looks horrible like a Playstation 1 game. The characters at best look like mannequins and at worst look like Sims. Grendel looks like a hunk of fat shaped to looks like a humanoid. I found the movie very boring to the point where I wanted to turn it off, but I was only a half hour until the end so I kept on. I have no idea why.

4/10

Directed by Valerie Breiman
Written by Clark Kent
IMDB

Clark Kent penned this atrocious movie. That's right, Supermans' alter ego wrote a flick called Bikini Squad. Valerie Breiman is better known for directing the fatally bad Going Overboard starring a young Adam Sandler.
This is a movie about filming a Baywatch-esque TV show. The producer wants the show to end because he's losing money somehow (they explain that it's over budget every week, but if it's in syndication and huge in Europe then how is it losing money?). The producer hires a young woman to direct the show and also tries to sabotage it along the way.
Absolutely fucking terrible. It's hard to justify giving this a 4, but I'll try. 1) This is as bad as Hardbodies 2, which I apparently watched before I started this blog, but it's fucking awful. 2) It's not filmed that poorly. 3) There is nudity, and that makes a movie slightly more worth watching. 4) At least they are trying, they don't succeed, but they do attempt to make a decent campy movie. That's probably not a good justification for a 4, but fuck it. Just never watch this piece of shit so you can't argue with me about it.

4/10

Directed by John Putch
Written by John Putch and Jerry Rapp
Trailer
IMDB

Mojave Phone Booth is an episodic tale where the protagonists interact throughout the story and nearly all of them find their way to the titular phone booth in the desert.
I very much disliked this movie. It's one of those movies that is trying so hard to be "indie." It has Steve Guttenberg in it, it's not like it's made by a guy with $20,000 and a group of friends.
I am not against arty movies. The Bicycle Thief is my favorite movie at the moment. This movie is forcefully idiosyncratic. I went into this movie basically with this description: people are drawn to a phone booth in the desert. What I ended up with is people having problems and they all go to a phone booth in the desert to talk to an elderly lady. The phone booth has nothing to do with the plot, it's just a device to hammer the stories together in some "meaningful" way.
Oh, did I mention that Steve fucking Guttenberg is in this movie? Well, he is.

4/10

Directed by Jonathan Kaplan
Written by Ken Friedman and Yolande Turner
Trailer
IMDB

Four ex-prostitutes rob a bank. They set out to go claim some land in Oregon, but run into many obstacles.
This movie is pretty weak. It is tolerable due to it starring four pretty women, but that's no reason to continue to watch a movie (or watch one in the first place). I went into this movie thinking I was watching the Quick and the Dead. I didn't realize that until right now.
I saw this on Netflix and streamed it. I like westerns, I like attractive women. This is not like Reese's peanut butter cups. This movie left a bad taste in my mouth. The directing is pretty poor. Sometimes the screen has soft focus, and the scenery isn't gritty enough for a western. It's just too slick and the color pops too much.
The action sequences were few and far between. The climax of the movie is a gun fight, of course, but it just didn't work for me. I gave this movie a shot, on accident.

4/10

Directed by Ken Shapiro
Written by Ken Shapiro, Tom Sherohman & Arthur Sellers
Trailer
IMDB

Chevy Chase is an air traffic controller, who gets telekinetic powers when he gets toxic waste spilled on him. He is able to move objects with his mind, and the power quickly goes out of control.
This movie was really lame. The plot didn't really make much sense. He gets his power from toxic waste-- fine. He loses his power when he's struck by lightning; what? That didn't make any sense. Plus, toward the end he reconciles with his girlfriend and they go for a weekend at a friend's house and Chevy completely goes crazy because Dabney Coleman is hitting on his girlfriend. He acts like he's possessed by a demon, which doesn't really fit in with the rest of the movie.
Yeah, this was pretty bad and didn't really offer many laughs.

4/10

Directed by Sam Auster
Written by Sam Auster and Laura Auster
IMDB

Four guys decide that they should pretend to make a porno and it'll get them some pussy. They hire four ladies and one of them is the daughter of a mob boss. The boss demands for them to hand over the footage they have shot, but they haven't shot any. They then make a real porno and fall in love with the porn girls.
What a terrible movie. The characters are shallow until they fall in love, which makes little sense. The women are fairly unattractive. The story is ludicrous. Most of all, it's just not funny or pulled off right.

4/10

Directed by Ross Hagen
Written by Julian Roffman and Hubert Smith
IMDB

Before you ever ask: yes, there is a sword fight with meat. That's about the only excitement this movie has to offer.
John Saxon stars as Sam Kellog, a bounty hunter/bad gambler. In order to keep seeing his daughter he must pay back alimony. To get the money he decides to take on the dangerous case of a man who murdered a prison guard with a riot glove.
The riot glove is a very uninteresting weapon. I guess it helps you rip a door off a car, but what use is it against a gun? Not much.
This movie was pretty slow. Although, it was not offensively bad. Also, the theme song is pretty ridiculous. I debated whether to turn it off within the first 20 minutes, but my masochistic side won and I watched it all. It was a mistake.

4/10

Directed by Ed Quiroz and Jose Quiroz
Written by Ed Quiroz and Jose Quiroz
IMDB

Like many others, I didn't know that Todd Bridges has become one of the Quiroz Brothers' stock actors. Then again, like many others, I didn't know who the Quiroz Brothers were. I do now. They made the low budget, yet not completely horrible movie I Got 5 on It.
The movie begins with Todd Bridges buying weed and then seemingly getting pulled over by the exact same guy. We come to find out they are twins and perhaps in cahoots.
Now Todd Bridges' friends are trying to find some weed. They first go to Arnies' cousins' house. He just finished fucking an old woman and sticks his finger in Arnies' mouth when he rags on him for fucking an old woman. The finger was supposedly in her vagina. Then Rob has to shit, but there is no toilet paper so he uses the towel on the floor in the bathroom. The very same towel that Oscar's cousin claims to have used to "wipe the sex off of his dick."
After they buy weed from Arnies' cousin they quickly get pulled over by the same cop who arrested Todd Bridges. The cop laughs at their weakass weed, but not before Rob farts in his face. Arnie claims that the cop is the same guy he set up Todd Bridges with to get some weed.
They decide to go see another weed dealer named Barney Bubble, a pimp who always carries a white and green striped umbrella. His umbrella offered the most laughs to me in this flick. Before they get to Barney's they drive by the mall and see the twin brother of the cop that pulled them over. They decide that they are in cahoots and they need to get back at them.
At Barney Bubbles they buy an ounce for $500, which seems steep to me. They smoke some weed and decide they are going to rob the security guard and knock him out.
They follow the security guard to a Subway and steal his truck. Oscar decides they should go and rob his house and get them arrested for possession of coke. Barney Bubble picks Todd Bridges up from jail.
They frame those guys and smoke some weed and the movie ends at an hour and 14 minutes.
The filmmakers were trying, but are amateurs at best, which I forgave while watching the movie, and then found out they had several movies under their belt before this one. I guess these guys just suck.

4/10

Directed by Brian O'Hara
Written by Brian O'Hara
Budget: $250,000
IMDB

When a record executive's hottest artist quit, the record exec gets his nephew, Frankie Stein, and his drugged up lackey, Iggy, to dig up bodies of dead rockers to create the ultimate musician.
Frankie is into necrophilia and jerks off to pictures of corpses. He knows what it's like to be different. The monster too knows what it's like to be different, for he has the head/brain of Elvis and the gay penis of Liberace. The monster is incredibly strange and mixed up.
Due to his internal conflict, soon the monster is murdering everybody.
Really low-budget fair. I was going to go 6.5 on it, until I saw it was made in 1999 when people should have known better. This movie was very very gay.

4/10

Directed by Peter Yates
Written by Stanford Sherman
Budget: 27,000,000
IMBD

Krull is a George Lucas inspired medieval tale. The Prince's father dies and his bride gets kidnapped. He gathers a group of men (plus one young boy and a cyclops) to go on a quest to save her. Also, the swords shoot lasers and there are rocket horses. This movie is definitely stupid, but it is entertaining, although about 15-25 minutes too long.

4/10